Human Garage - Spring Update!

This is part of a series. If you haven't caught up on what I'm doing with Human Garage, see the other posts here!

I had my last QurEcology, biochemistry evaluation and began an adjusted supplement protocol back in January. My tests came back that my pH was too alkaline (#healthsohard) and instead of being acidic, where disease can thrive, it's too alkaline, (think too many green juices and salads) that the pH goes in the other direction and the body really works best when in balance, so we're trying to correct that. The test also showed that my body still wasn't breaking down or absorbing carbohydrates properly, nor my protein. When i started that protocol I didn't feel great. I was in another "two steps forward, one step back" phase. I was EXHAUSTED despite all the progress I'd made so far, and I was discouraged. Throughout the protocol, though very slowly and not without emotional struggle, my energy improved, my libido skyrocketed (which to me indicated a healthier gut, as hormone production largely happens in the gut) and my mood improved. I've been able to largely stick to what makes me feel good lifestyle and diet-wise (currently mostly low-carb paleo/keto) I still tolerate more vegetables! no more low FODMAP for me! I also indulge on occasion, even in a grain-full manner. (On occasion!) So, overall I have been feeling good!

Fitness-wise, I've mostly been adding in body weight exercises on the road and yoga while at home. I recently started doing The Bar Method at the insistence of a friend. Despite hating that class/exercise style the last time I tried it (about five years ago), I kind of don't now... The connection I now have with my body and the awareness that comes with that, makes it so much easier to push through parts of class that are difficult. It also means I can make adjustments that don't leave my neck sore for days and the anger and frustration that comes along with that discomfort.

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Physically, my hamstrings and abductors feel tight, my neck still holds tension and my jaw is still tight. I wanted to touch base at the Human Garage to see where I'm at and where I can go from here. I'd like to not get bloated every time i have starchy carbs, I'd like to be able to drink in moderation without it inflaming my system, I'd like to be able to engage my core muscles without relying on my neck (a common recruitment pair), I'd like to be able to do 10 pull ups by 12/31/18 and I'd like hard legs and also to eat Chinese food from Fat Dragon on occasion without incident.

Today, I met with Alex for a reassessment. He gauged my walk, and noted that my body is holding alignment pretty well from my previous sessions. He released my abductor near my left knee a little, which resulted in a lot of left side psoas/abdominal convulsions and a LOT of laughing-out the energy. (I'll take a laughing release over a crying one any day! It's just a more pleasant form of release for me...) He suggested that I come in for a fascial flow, a custom release session and then schedule a bio-mechanics session so I can update my exercises (bio-mechanic exercises, see previous posts). During this part of my process, I can still work out as I have been, since this "oil change" type of visit is to maintain the progress I've made while living my "normal" life.

Alex and I also talked about energy and emotional growth. The last time i came by the garage, at their old location, I was picking up supplements before leaving for tour and talked to Garry for a bit. He asked how things were going and I said they were fine, I was on the new protocol and working through the "two steps back, one step forward" part of it. I also felt like there was something blocking my progress, likely energetically. I just felt like there was something I wasn't letting go of, despite my openness and constant commitment to being vulnerable, honest and open with myself and where I was at. Garry suggested that I come in and it would "come out on the table", and we'd talk about it.

However, before I had time to do that, while on tour, I was chatting with a friend of mine in the band Front Country (check them out!). I was asking band/business/tour/travel/lifestyle advice and she suggested I look into codependency, nonchalantly. I was confused bc i'm independent and I always assumed codependency was depending on a person (like someone who can't do anything without their partner.) Well I WAS WRONG! I found out through talking to other codependents, some reading and podcast research that i am definitely, and have always been codependent. I really dove into that information, it felt like such a huge relief to know that my "busyness", my need to prove myself, to pour myself into my work, get all of my self worth from how "good of a job i'm doing" at something, to constantly need to prove I deserve to be alive, while also seeking validation, had a name, a reason and a method of recovery. It was also emotional, to know my whole life I'd thought I'd been doing all these actions to be a good person, and it was likely not serving me or anyone I was trying to save or help (facepalm, and some tears).

That seemed to cosmically be in line with what Alex was saying, about how people, right now are going through a change/growth cycle and if we can stay open to it, it'll be a time of great progression. That is in line with my current experience. It felt like a trail marker/synchronicity to be having this conversation. It also felt exciting, to be on the "right track", to feel like there is relief in site from something that I think has lead me to treat my body in unhealthful ways. (secret eating, alcohol and drug use as a coping mechanism rather than a life enhancing habit, over exercising, not exercising etc. etc.)

On my way out, while scheduling my upcoming visits, and picking up some digestive enzymes and some potassium to help my hydration levels (i feel dehydrated even though i put pink salt in my water and drink all the time, i even have that "tongue crack" that indicates dehydrated digestive system) I met a fellow Human Garage-r. He had read this blog before going to HG and we happened to be there at the same time! It was super cool to run into someone who had benefited from reading my experience. That also felt like a moment of synchronicity! Cheers to being Too-Much-Information for some people, and the right information for others!

Side note: if you've read this and it's helped you out, I'd love to hear from you! Facebook message me or shoot me an email!

Vulnerability Hangovers

When I was young, I was naturally enthusiastic, outgoing and a leader. I was so sure of myself, or at least I remember being decidedly so. But the dark side, the place from where this perceived sorrow lies, is this other memory. A close cousin to the sunny, pumpkin hugging, smiling, laughing and playfully yelling heart, is one who was shamed, called "bossy", teased (by both peers and adults) for being who felt natural to me.

Underneath this calling I’ve never been able to ignore or suppress, is also a deep shame and sense of wrongness for being myself. I’ve been digging into the soil of my, what feels like “not enough”-ness, for some time. This morning, I did a sort of mental journal entry, while lying on a hotel couch, to avoid the sunlight creeping through the bedroom curtain. I came to this sense: Who I Am is not bad or wrong, but, my sense memory tells me that is what I’ve learned and reinforced. Not by everyone of course, but by enough (influential-to-me people) that I have intrinsic confusion about who I will always be, and if that’s actually “OK”.

Of course, as a grown ass woman, I believe that being who I am, naturally, and with love, is amazing. But, there is a curly haired, little girl in there that still apologizes for being loud, boisterous, and “too much” and pays for it by taking over the flagellation herself, every time she lets go of control and has a good time.

It is likely a reason I was drawn to performing. A place where being “big” (grand gestures, projecting your voice and energy) is part of the job. It’s not only necessary, but revered. A place it was safe to be my whole self, in the shelter of a character, or the story of a song. I’ve mused for a bit on the knowledge that singing and humming switch the body into parasympathetic (rest and digest) mode. It chills you out. It makes me laugh, because I think with performance art, people tend to use language like: “talent”, “meant to be on stage”, “born for this”. Maybe I agree, sort of, with the last one. I identify as always having been anxious, high strung, operated in a fight or flight mode and always singing (dancing, performing). Now, I think it’s just something I was drawn to as a method of self preservation, and doing it out of comfort (and love of it) made me proficient at it. So I guess, in that way, I was kind of born into it, rather than for it.

I sometimes wake up sad and second guessing myself when I've have a good time and let go, let loose. I think it’s rooted so far back, in childhood. I'm beginning to understand “Oh... my thing is that I think and feel like everyone is judging me all the time.” It is my default assumption to looks, suggestions, notes, whispers, jokes, and the root of my defensiveness. (It also appears to be a very self-centered assumption, but I assure you it’s a mechanism of self preservation and not narcissism.) SEE! I'M ALREADY ASSUMING YOU'RE JUDGING ME AND THEREFORE EXPLAINING MYSELF.

It’s likely a reason why I try to maintain control of people’s perception of me, by curating. I hear and remember everything, so I can curate. I curate my behavior, language, image, to be “right and good.” (at which point I will be judged, but found right and good, and therefore will have no need to prove that I am.) It is an exhausting charade. 

This self is clearly so strong I cannot suppress it.
I am trying to wade through it, to make sense of it, now with a fully formed (🤞) adult brain, and release the nonsense.