It's been a minute, hello!

I spent a lot of last year eating my feelings, introspecting, avoiding, drinking my feelings, journaling, hemming and hawing, hashing out hypotheticals over and over and finally deciding to approach The Artist’s Way again. I’ve done a lot of healing. I can intuitively listen to my body in regards to diet and lifestyle (i.e. what does my body want right now, what is most healthful, do i need sleep or water or rest/downtime or art.) I can also “get away with” indulging at times. What I mean by that is, because I’m not here to engage with diet culture in labeling food as “good” or “bad”, is that I can indulge in foods i know are not healthful for me and tolerate the consequences, or have minimal backlash from my body and mind. I worked with the Human Garage extensively after working for years on healing protocols like AIP, Low FODMAP, GAPS, SCD and got to this place by my own advocacy and diligence.

Now is the hard part. The energy work.

So, a little backstory: Brahm and I see this chiropractor in LA, he’s a-maz-ing. Not only did he fix Brahm’s physical back issues, he also practices Gonstead Chiropractic which is a whole body, “everything is connected” method. He has done acupuncture and just read our fucking souls to us and been like “cut the shit, and get down to work on yourselves”. (I’m paraphrasing). Way back in like 2013, I would see Rahim to correct when i had first seen a chiropractor who fucked up my neck, (I went in for knee/running issues and left with neck pain). Dr. Rahim got me all straightened out and then we talked a little bit about my food/health connection. He is the one who really got me down the path of diet and lifestyle affecting your whole life, then i delved into the other practitioners who helped seal the deal. After the major amount of my healing of the past 6 years, I had gone into see him for a little maintenance and when he did his check up he could tell that i was physically doing awesome. He was like I can tell all the work you’ve put in, now you have to get you energy right. True to form, everything Dr. Rahim says, hits me 5 years later with an a-ha moment. Same for Brahm, he’ll say something in passing about an observation of how we operate in the world and then 5 years later, give or take, on our own time, we go “oooooohhhhhhhhh THIS is what the fuck Rahim was talking about!” (and then we get irritated that we can’t speed up our own comprehension process.

So last year, I had my a-ha moment about “energy”. And my epiphany was this, (shocker, it may not be news to you, but i’m the last to know about everything concerning who I am as a person) you can’t diet and lifestyle your way out of how you function in the world. It takes another approach, and a LOT of letting go.

Back to where we started: I spent a lot of last year being stressed, unhappy, exhausted from touring, questioning my life choices, feeling undervalued, feeling angry and not knowing how to express it, then hate drinking and eating my way through tours and time off and gaining 30 lbs. (Again, observation not judgement, weight is a tool for me to gauge what my body is doing. I have no “right weight”). I figured out i had to be all in (on me) to let go (of everything). It’s a little bit like “you’ve gotta get up to get down” i guess.

Right now, I lay off the booze for the most part. i try to make loving decisions for my body but i don’t judge the choices i’m making no matter what they do to my body (bloating or gaining or loss). i had to get back to not controlling everything (an illusion anyway) if I was going to address what was fueling everything. MY INSIDES. my emotions, my energy, my attitude, my approach, all of it.

I knew so deeply that step one was journaling. I fucking hated it and every time i got quiet with myself and was like “what do you need?” my inner voice would practically yell “JOURNAL, YOU BITCH!” (so aggressive and bossy…) I would ignore it over and over (and eat and drink) until i finally was like “OK i’ll just bring a journal on tour and fucking WRITE IN IT” (hate-journaling i guess, so angry!) Once I was doing that, it did help me curb some of the mindless or feelings-full consuming i was doing. It did help me figure out some outlets and some needs I had that I wasn’t acknowledging. I began to invest in myself. I pushed forward a lullaby album as an exercise to prove that I didn’t need 7 dudes backing me up just to create. (A story i had told myself because i didn’t go to school for music, and somehow deserved to be here less than they did.) Originally, I thought that starting a side project with Zach would be what I wanted: a creative space with less voices to share my ideas. We planned on using it as a platform for some of the quirkier songs of his that didn’t fit the band, but we could sing together for fun or for feels. What this did for me, was ignite a fire of my own creativity. I already have a band with other voices. I realized i wanted a space for my voice.

With that under my belt, I allowed myself to start writing my own original music, one song at a time. I started collaborating with close friends, also passionate creators, filmmakers who needed something to shoot. I had something for us to shoot, a music video! You take my song, create your vision (practically carte blanche) and let’s just make stuff together. Meanwhile, journaling, walking, talking it out, I decided to start the Artist’s Way again. The last time I did it, i was in a place of “OK I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want what I have right now.” Why not try again? In September of 2018, I decided to (try and) only mindfully eat and drink (less restrictive health wise, but more free and open to what i could learn from my body) while I started the Artist’s Way. I would check in with friends every week, especially my friend Barbara who does an incredible Artist’s Way group. She’s an amazing, insightful listener and gets so excited for the success of others, I can’t recommend her enough.

We moved back to NH in December to start Brahm on his own process of autonomy with our food truck TACOCAT and I wrapped up the Artist’s Way in December. In January of this year, I had a plan for what i actually wanted, a schedule of when I’d be where, and an idea of when to get shit done. (Overview is: DBR album this fall, solo album before the end of 2019 and another lullaby album wherever I can fit it in, all while touring and starting a business.) I went back to LA in January for writing sessions with the band and attended a meditation class of my friend Christina Huntington, she’s a bananas-transformational meditation coach. My words for the year, what came up in the meditation from my subconscious (sort of a mantra or indication of what your goals are) were “go, go,go”, “worth” and “you know”. (i.e. go go go make shit happen, worth as in your voice is WORTH being heard, and you are WORTH the effort of self care, and “you know” what you need, trust yourself, your intuition is correct.) 2018 was the year of introspection, diving deep to get to the root of my behaviors, 2019 is the year of DOING SHIT. And I hope 2020 is the year of rest bc i’m fucking tired.

All of this is to say. I still have nothing figured out.
I know how to make loving choices for myself, I have started exercising again, but only when I want to so it’s not to make my body look a certain way for someone else. I am working on music when i have the energy, which is not a lot of the time but is worthwhile and fulfilling when i do have it. (I can tell because i’m energized not exhausted by it at the right times.) I am playing solo shows, but I don’t want to tour all the time (DBR and then SOLO touring is too much touring) so i’m taking each step with a large dose of, “is this what you want”? I will talk and talk about my process with just about anyone who will listen, and for me, that helps work shit out. I get new ideas from others’ perspectives and from the quiet I can give to myself.

So there it is, where I’m at right now. Always growing always learning, it never ends (which i’m both excited and mad about, when is the finish line so I can take a nap!?)

Here are some books that I read recently and loved. Maybe they’ll be inspiring for you as well:

Love Warrior and Carry On Warrior both by Glennon Doyle
You are a Badass by Jen Sincero
Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
Year of Yes by Shonda Rimes (btw I was already doing this Shonda! but i like your book)
Becoming by Michelle Obama

Human Garage - Spring Update!

This is part of a series. If you haven't caught up on what I'm doing with Human Garage, see the other posts here!

I had my last QurEcology, biochemistry evaluation and began an adjusted supplement protocol back in January. My tests came back that my pH was too alkaline (#healthsohard) and instead of being acidic, where disease can thrive, it's too alkaline, (think too many green juices and salads) that the pH goes in the other direction and the body really works best when in balance, so we're trying to correct that. The test also showed that my body still wasn't breaking down or absorbing carbohydrates properly, nor my protein. When i started that protocol I didn't feel great. I was in another "two steps forward, one step back" phase. I was EXHAUSTED despite all the progress I'd made so far, and I was discouraged. Throughout the protocol, though very slowly and not without emotional struggle, my energy improved, my libido skyrocketed (which to me indicated a healthier gut, as hormone production largely happens in the gut) and my mood improved. I've been able to largely stick to what makes me feel good lifestyle and diet-wise (currently mostly low-carb paleo/keto) I still tolerate more vegetables! no more low FODMAP for me! I also indulge on occasion, even in a grain-full manner. (On occasion!) So, overall I have been feeling good!

Fitness-wise, I've mostly been adding in body weight exercises on the road and yoga while at home. I recently started doing The Bar Method at the insistence of a friend. Despite hating that class/exercise style the last time I tried it (about five years ago), I kind of don't now... The connection I now have with my body and the awareness that comes with that, makes it so much easier to push through parts of class that are difficult. It also means I can make adjustments that don't leave my neck sore for days and the anger and frustration that comes along with that discomfort.

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Physically, my hamstrings and abductors feel tight, my neck still holds tension and my jaw is still tight. I wanted to touch base at the Human Garage to see where I'm at and where I can go from here. I'd like to not get bloated every time i have starchy carbs, I'd like to be able to drink in moderation without it inflaming my system, I'd like to be able to engage my core muscles without relying on my neck (a common recruitment pair), I'd like to be able to do 10 pull ups by 12/31/18 and I'd like hard legs and also to eat Chinese food from Fat Dragon on occasion without incident.

Today, I met with Alex for a reassessment. He gauged my walk, and noted that my body is holding alignment pretty well from my previous sessions. He released my abductor near my left knee a little, which resulted in a lot of left side psoas/abdominal convulsions and a LOT of laughing-out the energy. (I'll take a laughing release over a crying one any day! It's just a more pleasant form of release for me...) He suggested that I come in for a fascial flow, a custom release session and then schedule a bio-mechanics session so I can update my exercises (bio-mechanic exercises, see previous posts). During this part of my process, I can still work out as I have been, since this "oil change" type of visit is to maintain the progress I've made while living my "normal" life.

Alex and I also talked about energy and emotional growth. The last time i came by the garage, at their old location, I was picking up supplements before leaving for tour and talked to Garry for a bit. He asked how things were going and I said they were fine, I was on the new protocol and working through the "two steps back, one step forward" part of it. I also felt like there was something blocking my progress, likely energetically. I just felt like there was something I wasn't letting go of, despite my openness and constant commitment to being vulnerable, honest and open with myself and where I was at. Garry suggested that I come in and it would "come out on the table", and we'd talk about it.

However, before I had time to do that, while on tour, I was chatting with a friend of mine in the band Front Country (check them out!). I was asking band/business/tour/travel/lifestyle advice and she suggested I look into codependency, nonchalantly. I was confused bc i'm independent and I always assumed codependency was depending on a person (like someone who can't do anything without their partner.) Well I WAS WRONG! I found out through talking to other codependents, some reading and podcast research that i am definitely, and have always been codependent. I really dove into that information, it felt like such a huge relief to know that my "busyness", my need to prove myself, to pour myself into my work, get all of my self worth from how "good of a job i'm doing" at something, to constantly need to prove I deserve to be alive, while also seeking validation, had a name, a reason and a method of recovery. It was also emotional, to know my whole life I'd thought I'd been doing all these actions to be a good person, and it was likely not serving me or anyone I was trying to save or help (facepalm, and some tears).

That seemed to cosmically be in line with what Alex was saying, about how people, right now are going through a change/growth cycle and if we can stay open to it, it'll be a time of great progression. That is in line with my current experience. It felt like a trail marker/synchronicity to be having this conversation. It also felt exciting, to be on the "right track", to feel like there is relief in site from something that I think has lead me to treat my body in unhealthful ways. (secret eating, alcohol and drug use as a coping mechanism rather than a life enhancing habit, over exercising, not exercising etc. etc.)

On my way out, while scheduling my upcoming visits, and picking up some digestive enzymes and some potassium to help my hydration levels (i feel dehydrated even though i put pink salt in my water and drink all the time, i even have that "tongue crack" that indicates dehydrated digestive system) I met a fellow Human Garage-r. He had read this blog before going to HG and we happened to be there at the same time! It was super cool to run into someone who had benefited from reading my experience. That also felt like a moment of synchronicity! Cheers to being Too-Much-Information for some people, and the right information for others!

Side note: if you've read this and it's helped you out, I'd love to hear from you! Facebook message me or shoot me an email!

Vulnerability Hangovers

When I was young, I was naturally enthusiastic, outgoing and a leader. I was so sure of myself, or at least I remember being decidedly so. But the dark side, the place from where this perceived sorrow lies, is this other memory. A close cousin to the sunny, pumpkin hugging, smiling, laughing and playfully yelling heart, is one who was shamed, called "bossy", teased (by both peers and adults) for being who felt natural to me.

Underneath this calling I’ve never been able to ignore or suppress, is also a deep shame and sense of wrongness for being myself. I’ve been digging into the soil of my, what feels like “not enough”-ness, for some time. This morning, I did a sort of mental journal entry, while lying on a hotel couch, to avoid the sunlight creeping through the bedroom curtain. I came to this sense: Who I Am is not bad or wrong, but, my sense memory tells me that is what I’ve learned and reinforced. Not by everyone of course, but by enough (influential-to-me people) that I have intrinsic confusion about who I will always be, and if that’s actually “OK”.

Of course, as a grown ass woman, I believe that being who I am, naturally, and with love, is amazing. But, there is a curly haired, little girl in there that still apologizes for being loud, boisterous, and “too much” and pays for it by taking over the flagellation herself, every time she lets go of control and has a good time.

It is likely a reason I was drawn to performing. A place where being “big” (grand gestures, projecting your voice and energy) is part of the job. It’s not only necessary, but revered. A place it was safe to be my whole self, in the shelter of a character, or the story of a song. I’ve mused for a bit on the knowledge that singing and humming switch the body into parasympathetic (rest and digest) mode. It chills you out. It makes me laugh, because I think with performance art, people tend to use language like: “talent”, “meant to be on stage”, “born for this”. Maybe I agree, sort of, with the last one. I identify as always having been anxious, high strung, operated in a fight or flight mode and always singing (dancing, performing). Now, I think it’s just something I was drawn to as a method of self preservation, and doing it out of comfort (and love of it) made me proficient at it. So I guess, in that way, I was kind of born into it, rather than for it.

I sometimes wake up sad and second guessing myself when I've have a good time and let go, let loose. I think it’s rooted so far back, in childhood. I'm beginning to understand “Oh... my thing is that I think and feel like everyone is judging me all the time.” It is my default assumption to looks, suggestions, notes, whispers, jokes, and the root of my defensiveness. (It also appears to be a very self-centered assumption, but I assure you it’s a mechanism of self preservation and not narcissism.) SEE! I'M ALREADY ASSUMING YOU'RE JUDGING ME AND THEREFORE EXPLAINING MYSELF.

It’s likely a reason why I try to maintain control of people’s perception of me, by curating. I hear and remember everything, so I can curate. I curate my behavior, language, image, to be “right and good.” (at which point I will be judged, but found right and good, and therefore will have no need to prove that I am.) It is an exhausting charade. 

This self is clearly so strong I cannot suppress it.
I am trying to wade through it, to make sense of it, now with a fully formed (🤞) adult brain, and release the nonsense.

Human Garage, Day 1!

I started my sessions with Human Garage yesterday!
If you missed my introduction on what they're up to, you can read about it here. 
 

The entrance to Human Garage is in the alley off of Washington Blvd in Venice. 

My goals in working with Human Garage are to get my body in the right position so that it's able to heal itself. Misalignment is causing some mechanical issues with my gut and digestion, not to mention make me prone to injury if I exercise. I hope that through working with Human Garage I'll be able to eat more foods with less discomfort and reduce or eliminate bloating after eating. I hope to be able to lift heavier weights. I'm currently experiencing some weird knee sensations and pressures which feel like bone on bone, due to being misaligned. If Human Garage can get me back in a righted position, I'd be able to lift weights without the fear of harming myself.

At my visit we began the first of 6 sessions designed to un-wind my body: Lower Release. They start from the bottom up (legs first) because that method has proven to be the most effective in releasing tension from our bodies. (We walk from our hips, feet first.) Starting with the legs allows the rest of the body to unwind (release tension from our muscles and fascia) easier.

My practitioner was Jen, they call her "gentle Jen" because she is not. She greeted me with a hug (they're all huggers at Human Garage, I love it) and led me to the massage table. We talked a little bit about how the process would go and why they start with lower release first. She started with my calves and ankles, feeling for knots in my fascia and tension in my muscles. Unsurprisingly to me, my body is tight, likely from years of sports but also emotional stress. I came prepared for pain, ready to breathe through the discomfort and "lean in" to the process. She worked on my calves and at one point reached for a tool they call a "TheraGun" it's a drill-like tool that has a rubber ball at the end. The ball vibrates against your muscle making it easier for the practitioner to release the tension. (Side note: I'm not sure if you're aware of this but we don't actually have "knots" in our muscles. What feels like a knot is actually the brain telling that muscle to fire and hold tension, either to protect a part of the body or from stress or trauma. Fascia can have knots, but even that is a misnomer. The "knot" is really a bundle of fascia stuck together. Each of these points of tension can be released with stretching and massage techniques.) After my calves were sufficiently released, Jen worked on my shins.

Most of the massage/acupressure/tension release is done manually. It feels like a really deep tissue massage. They break up the sessions into 6 and schedule the appointments 2 a week for 3 weeks. This is so you don't go too long between sessions and re-tense any of the areas they're working on. No massages, chiropractic appointments (outside of Human Garage) or working out is allowed during this time. The point of the  protocol is to break down the tension in your body, allow it to right itself (alignment speaking) and then train your brain to keep you in that position, not fall back into old patterns of movement. Exercising, massage or chiropractics could interfere with that process and so HG has learned to tell clients to refrain during the realignment process. Walking and light stretching is encouraged.

TheraGun!

So far, calves and shins, weren't so tough to sit through. Some of the tense muscle release even made me laugh, the TheraGun was especially tickling. Following the shins, Jen rearranged me to lie on my left side with my right leg at a 90 degree angle (and bent knee) resting on a cushion. This was to make my adductor muscles accessible. I know that these muscles and my hips are pretty tight. I have a hard time sitting cross legged on the ground with my knees not high up in the air. I can't sit in lotus position in yoga without pain because my tight hips put too much pressure on my feet, resting on my calves or thighs. While releasing tension in my adductors I was doing a lot deep breathing. It was painful close to my groin and even more so closer to my knee. I was noticing some sensations during this part of the session. I would tremble and convulse the more I relaxed and let the tension dissipate. (Sometimes, when I give my dog a massage he does this. When I'm rubbing his neck he'll tense up and breathe heavily while his muscles shake out the tension.)

So, she's working on my adductors, I'm shaking and breathing and doing my best to relax or "lean into ;)" the tension as it's releasing. The muscles with a lot of tension sometimes release in layers. So as the first round of tension is letting go and she's getting deeper in there, i start to feel shaking and tension release in other parts of my body. I could feel it in my lower back (perhaps lower back or psoas muscles) and i also felt this burning sensation in the right side of my abdomen. It felt like soft tissue, not muscular. it felt the way scar tissue burns when you massage it to break up. I was reminded of my consultation visit with Garry (owner and founder of Human Garage). He spoke about how my muscles and fascia were pulling my organs out of alignment and that tension was affecting my ileocecal valve and mechanically holding it open. (I know that area is prone to issue from my colonoscopy.) The area that was burning was right where my ileocecal valve is located. Even thought it was uncomfortable, it was encouraging to feel like the tension release in my hip muscles would relieve my gut of that tension. 

From adductors, Jen moved on to lower psoas and quad muscles. Lower psoas wasn't so bad. It's really tight and it was uncomfortable so I just kept focusing on relaxing my body and breathing deeply. Breathing does two things in an instance like this: it will tell your body to relax, that this is a position it's meant to be in and allow the muscle to release and it also chills you out. The instinct is to tighten up, resist and hold your breath to bear down on the pain. But, (and i'm sure this is a metaphor for the mental aspect that Human Garage is also teaching) resisting will only maintain the pain and keep everything all jacked up. So, I'm doing my best and Jen starts on my thigh muscles, my quadriceps. When I first took a yoga class in around 2006, i remember hating it. I was in warrior 3, I think, and I remember my eyes leaking and feeling like I was going to cry because of the emotional surge I felt, connected to my thigh muscles. I was prepared for this at Human Garage. I feel like the last 4 years of my health journey, my relationship with myself, with meditation, with learning to let go (i said learning...), with sitting in the discomfort that life delivers, prepared me to find Human Garage and sit through this... the thigh release. Knowing that I store my feelings in my body (read: everywhere) I was mentally prepared to cry on this table. Jen starts working on my thighs and it's like i have three calf sized "knots" or spots of tension. And they. are. fucking. painful. I'm not shaking at this point, I'm basically lamaze breathing and spontaneously convulsing. I was trying so hard to relax into it but would feel the opposite side of my body tense up. It was hard to tell if I was tensing or if the tension was involuntary connection to other muscles like my lower back/psoas and hips.

Jen had Garry's son Jordan come over who also works at Human Garage doing fascia work, to hold/pull the fascia in my lower leg while she worked on that thigh. My eyes were watering, my lips were quivering and I just sat in it. I was tense, breathing heavy and trying to just feel what was coming up. Jen told me to try and name what I was feeling, that if my brain could identify it, it would actually help the muscle to release. A way of exorcising the emotion out of the muscle. Ironically, I was having a really hard time identifying it. It definitely felt like frustration, maybe some fear and a little sadness. I started thinking about high school and when i first started having panic attacks. It felt like I was scared and alone and no one really knew how to help me. It felt a little bit like the sadness that comes along with and lingers after fear has come and gone. It also felt like the control you seek when you're scared. Like you'll do anything to maintain the power position and relieve the feeling. I have felt this in moments of panic, I have felt this in the aftermath of a break-up, that urge to call the one person you know you can't, the inability to speak when your mind is in panic mode and you're flipping through your brain files, for a way out. It sucked. And that was only the right leg. I did my best the whole appointment, to talk through what I was feeling. Mostly so I could make sure I was articulating it. But also, if i said it out loud, then Jen would sometimes be able to tell me why something was happening or what it was. During this emotional moment she encouraged me to let it out. She tried to get me to name it. I tried to talk through what it kind of  felt like and what i thought it was.

Then we moved on to the left leg. This one was even worse! I tried to take what I had learned from the right leg and really breathe into it. I tried to stretch my left leg longer rather than tensing up my body. I started laughing uncontrollably and saying that it hurt SO MUCH but i couldn't stop laughing. Jen asked if I wanted her to back off, but I said no. It felt like this was my penance. That the pain hurt going in, so it had to hurt going out, and I wanted it out. i want to exorcize the control and the attachment and judgement from my body and I don't think it'll go easily or quietly. Soon, after laughing my head off, I was mouth in a grimace, eyes squinched shut, silently sobbing. I kept thinking about something my therapist said to me back just before I was leaving my day job to do music. It was about me not having to do everything. She said "you think that if you didn't do everything, you'd cease to exist". I have this connection to "actions speak louder than words" so, if I'm not the friend I feel I am inside, and I don't show up for things, or take time for myself, or lead by example, then who am i? How can I exist outside of how i live my life? and Isn't living my life through action?

Remembering that while i'm feeling all this conflict and pain and sadness and frustration i say to myself "you are afraid if you feel this, if you let go of control, the pain and conflict, that you will die, you will break." I'm not exactly sure what it means or how to approach it but it felt true. I do have a terribly hard time letting go of things, emotionally speaking. I will circle around something I've done or said or felt and just hold onto it and revisit it over and over, looking at it from all the angles. It's a bit OCD, which I've written about before. I want to yank that part out of me. I want to live life easy and let things go and not get upset or angry or scared or sad or attach my self worth to the job I do and I'm not sure how to do it. How to release that. I think this is one more step in that direction. Meditation, self reflection and awareness, as debilitating as they can be some times, were also steps.

After Jen worked on my legs, she did my lower psoas and hips and then she put my ankle, knee and hip joints on these blocks to push through them and make sure they were opened up and working properly. Then she had me walk it off. As quickly as the emotions came, they were gone. I felt lighter. I also felt like i had someone else's legs on my body and wasn't sure that I could walk, or that I was re-learning how to walk. My feet felt like they were striking and rolling correctly. We took another photo to track my adjustment process.

I spent the rest of the day with friends and my husband. I felt sad. I felt open, vulnerable and exhausted. I was introspective and tried talking it through. I'm going to spend more time mulling this over. We'll be revisiting my thighs at later release sessions, lucky me, until they're done. So I'm sure there's more to learn from this. 

Because of my tour schedule, I'm cramming all 6 sessions into two weeks. But will be writing and reflecting on them over time. Stay tuned for the next visit which I'll be posting about soon!

From just one visit, you can see my right shoulder is more aligned, my head isn't leaning as far forward and I look high AF.