These are my labs and tests between 2014-2016
The hard stuff (my story part 4)
Read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3
Maybe Food is not the (only) Answer?
After my success with AIP and Low FODMAP i was sure that with proper nutrition, I could save the world. On this journey, I have found how very important it is to be your own health advocate. All doctors take different approaches, come to the table with a different set of tools, want you to take different supplements. Its up to you to do research on your own, make a note of how you feel, stick to the program (or not) to make progress.
I still believe that food is medicine. There are plenty of people out there who've gone this far down the rabbit hole and are living much happier, healthier lives. There are people who feel that way from just switching to all Organic and non-GMO food! My story is just a little more involved. I still believe in food being the foundation, for everyone. It's just about finding what makes you feel great, and eating that. Beyond that, sometimes we all need a little help.
I made a hashtag while traveling with the band #howdoyoueatontheroad which is what people ask me when they find out I'm doing AIP low FODMAP, here's some examples, lots of food bags in the van and stops at the grocery store!
Functional Medicine
I met up with Dr. Ruscio in September 2014. He's a functional medicine doctor located in Walnut Creek, CA. I told him all my prior symptoms, my family history of IBDs (Celiac, IBS, Diverticulitis etc.), my current symptoms, the elimination diets I'd tried, what worked, what didn't. He ran the gamut of blood tests. (my labs are up on another post for reference). We did stool tests, everything. I wanted to check for lyme disease, epstein barr, parasites, ANYTHING that could be holding me back from feeling 100%.
SIBO
My tests came back to show that I had SIBO, small intestinal bacterial overgrowth, and Candida. Over the next two months, we treated the SIBO with anti-microbials for two months. You can also treat SIBO with antibiotics. I'd been trying hard to rebuild my gut microbiome and didn't want anything else wiping it out so we went this route. My symptoms were awful. Month one, it felt like I was off AIP (despite sticking to my protocol): Bloating, irritation, fatigue, it was a super bummer. Month two seemed to have all the mental symptoms but none of the physical. Bloating went away but I was super anxious and depressed and moody for that month. Once it was gone, I was back to square one. I felt just as great with NO SIBO as i did WITH SIBO. Still on the same diet, still at 80%.
Dr. Ruscio and I followed up. We re-tested for SIBO twice just to make sure it was gone. I wanted to get scoped. I thought that the rest of the symptoms I was having were linked to an IBD, my tests showed I have markers for Crohn's Disease, gut inflammation and low b12. My family has a history of IBD issues. I made an appointment the next day to meet a gastroenterologist. We scheduled an endoscopy and colonoscopy as soon as possible.
Crohn's?
The findings from the scope were that I had a hiatal hernia and ulcers in my intestines, mostly around my ileocecal valve (the junction between large and small intestines.) The hypothesis was Crohn's Disease. It would have made sense that AIP and Low FODMAP improved my condition as Crohn's is an auto immune disease, mostly manageable with diet.
They wanted to do a capsule test and standard GI doc blood tests, to be sure. I swallowed a pill shaped camera that would take pictures as it traveled through my guts, to see what was going on in the stomach and small intestines, where the colonoscopy and endoscopy don't reach. I'm skipping a chunk of time here but basically the capsule test showed that that was all they saw. They also did a "gold standard" blood test for Celiac, and an IBD panel. They don't think that I have Crohn's definitively, based on that blood test, despite my genetic markers. They did want to re-test for SIBO again but I chose not to at that time.
In around July of 2015, I worked with a nutritionist briefly who has some really great information on digestion, here. I think this video series (which costs 50 cents) is SO SUPER AMAZING! Learn how your body actually breaks down food, the dangers of antacids and how important HCL and bile are to that process. It would be instrumental in improving your own digestion and it's basically free!
Parasites
I put in a consultation call to Megan Rand over at Ginger Newtrition. I found her through a skin care company i LOVE called Fat Face Skincare. Megan and I went over all the steps I'd taken so far with gut, diet, stress etc. and talked about how all my blood tests were coming back relatively "normal" yet i felt 80% and looked awful. I asked her if anything seemed like it was glaringly obvious, in terms of an option I hadn't tried yet. She asked if I'd done a parasite cleanse. 85% of her clients that are struggling with similar issues, passed large parasites on a cleanse. I followed the link she sent me HERE. I also checked in with Will (see nutritionist paragraph above) to see if he'd heard about it. He sent me to this site.
I followed Dr. Hulda Clark's parasite cleanse and passed eggs, flukes, roundworms, pieces of worms. It was so crazy (and gross, but still cool). I ended up doing the program twice to be sure I'd gotten them all out. KEEP IN MIND THAT MY PRIOR LAB WORK SHOWED NO SIGNS OF PARASITES OR EGGS, AND THEY HID DURING MY COLONOSCOPY AND CAPSULE TEST. They burrow, it's gross.
No part of my condition improved after the cleanse but I was glad that however the parasites had been allowed to thrive in my body, I'd gotten rid of them. Being parasite-less frees up the energy my body to run more efficiently and work on healing rather than supporting other organisms. I suggest this for anyone who has any leaky gut, digestion, skin or auto immune symptoms. If you are experiencing those, your body has probably been compromised enough to allow them to grow from egg stage to adult stage.
Heavy Metal Toxicity
Fall of 2015 I saw another functional medicine doctor, Dr. Lalezar, located in Los Angeles. Through her standard round of testing I found out that I have unsafe levels of mercury and lead in my system. We assume they were from amalgam fillings that I'd had since childhood. (I don't eat a lot of fish in general, or larger, mercury heavy fish. Though I could have gotten some from eating sushi occasionally.) Lead is also found in some municipal pipe junctions (via tap water, it can get into you). Her protocol is remove toxins, then work on rebuilding and healing the body. I'd been working on healing and re building with food but didn't know that I'd had this metal in me, preventing the healing. (I still check in with Dr. Ruscio, I think it's important to keep everyone in the loop so we can all learn from different experiences. Everyone presents differently, there's no right way to treat someone.)
I'm in the process now of going through chelation, where they pull the metal out of your body. There are varying schools of thought on how to do this (oral, IV). It can be dangerous so you need to make sure your body is ready to go through it and that if you do have any metal fillings left, that you have them removed first. (I suggest finding a holistic dentist as removing amalgams must be done very carefully and specifically.)
It turns out that after 5 rounds of chelation and a re-test for levels, they higher than we originally thought. I am doing 2 more of DMPS IV chelation for mercury and 2 rounds of Calcium-EDTA IV for lead. She does this in conjunction with Glutathione which is an antioxidant that helps your body pass the metal quicker into your urine so as not to re-toxify you during chelation. It is exhausting, just like the SIBO treatment. I've had physical symptoms: bloating, fatigue, mood swings, loose stool, irritability during the whole process. My hope is that metal toxicity could be the final key in unlocking the final part of my story. It causes the immune system to be weak, it causes leaky gut, one of the main side effects of mercury toxicity is fatigue and brain fog.
Here's some information on Chelation:
Ben Greenfield's Podcast on Heavy Metals
Crucial Dos and Dont's about Heavy Metal Detox
I'll post again as I have an update!
For now I'm scheduled to chelate through Feb 18 when we retest to see where I'm at.
Skin Update
My skin examples, ON AIP, good days and bad.
It seems to break out just before ovulation. It's not yet consistent. It's gotten better with the chelation. It's seemed to start in my cheeks, heal there as i changed my diet. It inflames if i have any offending foods (sometimes by accident). It's sort of traveled down my face into my neck as I keep progressing step by step to feeling better.
Update 6/18/16
See my Road to Recovery post here!
Getting down to business (my story part 3)
California Love
In 2004, I moved to Los Angeles.
A year later, I started working in advertising which marked the beginning of my career working in tv and film production. I was auditioning and performing at night and on the weekends. I was stressed out and fatigued. (Normal-ish for this job and town) My skin still fluctuated despite being on the pill.
I gained some weight from indulging a little too much in my newfound adulthood. I dabbled in Weight Watchers, learned about not overeating fried foods with little nutritional value. I tried Yoga, it made me cry. (Literally I'd be in Warrior 3 and i'm like shaking and tears are leaking out my face. I was like FUCK THIS!) Instead, I started running, i started spinning, anything super cardio related. I ate "healthy foods" like salad and vegetables and lean chicken and 100 calorie this and that. I liked the way I looked. I was limiting certain foods, but not entirely. (Really, i was just trying to look good.)
SCD
I "got fit" but didn't feel my best. I was still playing the calorie game. I still had terrible gas depending on what I ingested. I still got bloated, I was still anxious, I occasionally "rashed out". I started looking into alternatives. I remembered back from my teenage years learning about candida (and how i probably had it but WHATEVER). My symptoms fit with those I'd heard about so i figured I'd try out the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, coupled with the candida diet.
I'd heard about SCD (as they call it) from the book Breaking the Vicious Cycle, intestinal health through diet. By Elaine Gottschall.
MY HEAD EXPLODED. this was a game changer.
I did this diet for 30 days, no sugar, no fruit, no starch. (i actually stuck to it. So, point taken will power.) I felt AMAZING. I felt joyful, energized, rested. (I mean, i missed sugar, the sweet things i was eating were bell peppers and carrots, but for the time being it was worth it!) I don't know if i ever had Candida, i didn't get tested for it, but i did feel great on this diet. This book explains a lot about starch, carbohydrates and their digestion in relation to issues like Crohn's, IBS, and other intestinal based issues. I responded very well but I didn't commit to this diet after the 30 day intro.
"Eating Healthy" around that time still involved lots of lean meats and salad and tidbits I'd picked up from Weight Watchers. I'd run a couple half marathons, i got up to exercise before work despite my energy levels that day. I felt fit but I was still tired. Since i didn't really commit to any lifestyle whole-heartedly I'd sort of bounce between feeling good and feeling like crap. I was also getting older. It felt like my body was trying to say "can you figure this out please?"
GAPS
6 months before my wedding, i went off the pill. I had read a lot of new information about the pill and what it does to your body. I felt there were better alternatives for me, to prevent pregnancy. My skin was clear. I still indulged in certain foods out at restaurants but for the most part didn't keep them in the house. I drank mostly wine, tequila or potato based vodka, no beer (or rarely beer). I tried to stick to what I thought made me feel best.
Clear skin 2011, calm before the storm.
After 6 months off the pill, my skin went FUCKING NUTS. This wasn't normal acne, this was like adult, cystic, hormonal or gut influenced acne. It was terrible and painful. I went to a dermatologist (a holistic dermatologist, this time) recommended by a friend with similar skin symptoms, who now looked amazing. Dr. Hunter introduced me to the GAPS diet and had me use some of her holistic products.
The GAPS diet is a diet that addresses the connection between your gut health (levels and symbiotic relationships between bacteria and how healthy the lining of your intestines etc are) and your psychology. The SCD diet is similar in structure but some foods are allowed that aren't on the other. Being on the GAPS diet meant i was being "good" consistently again. But my skin did not improve enough to keep me eating in this restricted manner as a lifestyle. Dr. Hunter was a great resource, but I hadn't gotten to the root cause yet.
AUTO-IMMUNE/PALEO
in November of 2009 i committed, hardcore, to being grain free. I was really over the back and forth and just wanted to feel better. I began meditating. I felt overwhelmed working full time and performing whenever i was free. My body was trying to tell me something needed to change and now my mind was too.
It was clear that everything I'd done up to this point put me in the exact position I was in:
Antibiotics kill bacteria in our bodies, not just where we want them to and I'd been on them, on and off from childhood through adolescence. Read about the effect of antibiotics on gut flora, here.
Eating a Western Diet was not agreeing with my system and I ignored all the physical and mental symptoms, so i could eat what i wanted. This, coupled with stress and other factors is probably what led me to develop leaky gut.
Leaky gut is the weakening of the tight junctions in the bowels; it can leak food particles, etc. into your blood stream. This can elicit an immune response and cause a host of symptoms which can lead to chronic illness. Symptoms of Leaky Gut.
Anxiety (fear) puts your body in fight or flight. I had been anxious since high school on a consistent basis. Even on medication, it was a natural response for me. Being in fight or flight shuts down your parasympathetic nervous system (the one responsible for "rest and digest" as they say). It reduces motility in your guts and halts digestion. Improperly digested food in your gut can lead to bacterial overgrowth, immune responses (food intolerances, allergies, toxic build up that can affect your brain).
Over Exercising can be a stressor on your body. Exercise can be a great mood lifter and is excellent for keeping your body and mind in shape, over doing it can have detrimental effects. Cardio can be especially stressful on a stressed out system.
I had inadvertently stacked the deck against myself. There was no one cause, and probably no one cure, as I was figuring out. I needed to learn what the root cause was and figure out how to heal myself. I stopped doing so much cardio, I re-introduced yoga and low impact exercise like walking and hiking to chill out my system. I did some cross fit. Since I had symptoms of Adrenal fatigue; I was being cautious.
I felt swollen and bloated all the time after anything i ate, even after committing to being grain, dairy and legume free. I was still tired MOST of the time, despite sleeping 9-10 hours a night. I worked with a friend of mine who is a nutritionist and had me food journal for a week.
My foods were something like this:
smoothie for breakfast: (VegaOne protein powder, kale or spinach, apple cider vinegar, coconut milk)
Chicken and vegetables for lunch (organic roast chicken breast/leg whatever, skin on, full fat, broccoli, root vegetables) or a salad or something
and then something similar to lunch for dinner. (also ate organic lamb, grass fed beef other sustainable, bio available meats)
Symptoms:
I woke up tired almost every day of the journal and remained tired during the day.
I was still bloated.
My skin was bad In the cheeks and chin/neck area, areas linked to digestive/hormonal issues
My neck was really sore and constantly needed adjustment (a sign of inflammation in my body)
I had brain fog, confusion, memory loss, depression, anxiety
I was irritable and moody, sporadically and sometimes unexplainably and or uncontrollably
My stool tended to be loose rather than normal
I was baffled. How could I be eating "so healthy" and feel so sick and tired all the time? What was I missing? Those close to me could see the symptoms too.
PALEO
I began exploring paleo...
All of those sites are GREAT resources. Eating Paleo can help improve symptoms like I was experiencing. A lot of people have felt better by implementing this diet as their lifestyle. But for me, paleo wasn't enough. As you can see above, i basically already WAS paleo and I was already committed to organic, sustainable meats and pesticide/GMO free vegetables. I still had the symptoms listed above. Besides having trouble digesting food, signs pointed to leaky gut as well. (especially with all the mental symptoms!)
Auto Immune Paleo
Sometime in 2013, Brahm told me about the Auto Immune Protocol. I resisted it for a while, spouting all the usual "i've DONE elimination diets before." If I was going to figure this out "once and for all" I was going all in on "the last" elimination diet. Eventually I was ready to try, I did AIP for a week and felt the same. Under the Auto Immune protocol you can go really strict and remove FODMAPS as well, depending on how sensitive your body seems to be. I removed Kale and removed FODMAPS, after a week I felt I had more energy. After two weeks i wasn't bloated, AT ALL. (I don't think that i've ever experienced zero bloating before, as far back as I can remember.) I knew within 2 weeks that this was the right track, I was excited, committed and energized.
I felt 80% better on this diet. I did it for 3 months and saw great results. I also prioritized sleep, meditation, stress management, low impact exercise, REST, I left my job, I joined a band. I really felt like I was making my health and well being a priority. AIP and Low FODMAP is a pretty restrictive diet, If i was going to eat this way, I wanted to feel 100% all the time. Or at least have someone confirm I'd ruined my body and was destined to only feel 80% forever. (kidding!) I knew from reading success stories on blogs over the past couple years that I could do better (and eat more foods, without discomfort!)
To Be Continued...
#sorrynotsorry that this seems like a narcissistic bikini pic. This is the best example I have of the slight difference externally but the HUGE difference internally of AIP vs Paleo for my system. Left Picture: Before AIP, eating paleo 80% of the time but not feeling great. Right Picture: On AIP (no booze) a small physical difference but more joy, lots more energy, less stress and "craziness", better sleep, less anxiety. I felt like i was "almost there" in terms of finding what's best for me, to implement as a lifestyle.
Side Note: I almost forgot to mention that in 2009, I accidentally got bit by my dog and through a series of mis-diagnoses and incorrect treatments ended up with a nasty infection. For 6 weeks i had Picc Line that pumped antibiotics (super broad and strong) into my heart 4x a day. I took probiotics during this time but this drug wiped out ANY bacteria that I had. So as of June 2009 i was essentially starting from scratch with gut bacteria.
Help! I HATE EATING *tired face emoji*
There have been times on this journey when i'm just OVER it! I'm tired of eating the same 7 foods in different arrangements. I'm annoyed that my body needs food as fuel to run and heal itself. If Soylent had ingredients I could tolerate, I'd drink it!. (yes, it's real. no, it's not people.) This isn't great for a couple reasons, one because food is necessary (obviously) and two because if I avoid eating due to annoyance at my choices, I'm more likely to make poor food choices that could be detrimental to my healing. Don't get me wrong, I love food and eating in general.
What i've done in the meantime, is find a way to get nutrients into my body when I just don't want to eat
It's really important to make sure I'm feeding myself if i want to heal. Deprivation is only going to cause additional issues, not to mention make me HANGRY. It gives my digestion a break to have liquids rather than solids for a meal or two. Sometimes on the road, I'll supplement with this because eating out gets expensive. It allows me to bring some food on the road (food bag!), eat when I choose to, supplement when I choose to and I have a back up if the venue serves dinner that I'd rather avoid.
The Goods
Pasture Raised Collagen Peptides - these are a great (flavorless) way to add a boost to your coffee (or smoothie, or just dissolve in water)! I'm generally not ready to eat a meal when i wake up. Peptides dissolve in cold OR hot water. So, i put collagen in my coffee, add a little homemade coconut milk and I'm good for a bit. It contains 18 grams of protein and the source is grass fed beef collagen so it's also super healing for my gut. (Bone broth is not easy to take on tour.) On the road, I'll use powdered coconut milk. It's not as good as the homemade stuff, in my opinion but it's a great second best. Sometimes I'll also chug a scoop of collagen peptides before bed if i'm feeling a little hungry after a show, it will help me sleep through the night.
Beauty tip: collagen applied to your face is TOO LARGE of a molecule to be absorbed into your skin. You want more collagen in your body? (ah hem, cellulite), ingesting it is the best way to absorb it!
Coconut Oil - I take a jar of organic coconut oil with me on tour and we always have some in the kitchen. I just eat a teaspoon or two of it as needed. It's a healthy saturated fat that has a host of wonderful health properties. It's not the most delicious right out of the jar but will keep me sated for a period of time.
Super Greens - What about vitamins and minerals you say? Powdered greens, when coupled with the protein and coconut oil practically make a complete meal. (not quite soylent but it works at times) There are some vegetables in there that I don't tolerate completely yet, but in a pinch it's served me well.
Where Can I GET THIS STUFF?
You can get Organic Coconut Oil at your local grocery store. OR try Thrive Market! We love them, we save about $1k a year on organic pantry items by using thrive AND for every membership they sell, they give one to a family in need. Everyone deserves to feed their family with healthy food. Support them!
Vital Proteins and Perfect Hydrolyzed Collagen Peptides are two collagen peptides we use. Hint: Thrive sells the Vital proteins for WAY cheaper. We get the other stuff on Amazon when Thrive has been out of stock.
Orac-Energy Greens are the super greens we have now. They work really well and you can drink them straight (dissolved in water) or put them in a smoothie if you prefer that.
Coconut Milk Recipe:
- Boil Water
- Meanwhile, take Two Cups of Shredded, Organic Coconut and put in a blender (we use a vitamix)
- Pour 4 Cups boiled Water into blender
- Blend for 2-3 minutes
- Pour into a large bowl to cool
- Once Cool, Strain through a nut bag
- Refrigerate, and use within that week!
Coconut Collagen Coffee:
- Make Coffee (I use a french press each morning and grind coffee once a week for that week)
- Pour 12 oz coffee
- Add one or two scoops of Collagen Peptides (Depending on hunger level, i usually do one)
- add 1-2 oz of coconut milk to taste OR 1-2 tsp of coconut milk powder to taste
- Stir or blend (peptides will dissolve) and Enjoy!
Mini Meal on the Road:
- Pour 8 oz glass of water (no ice)
- Pour 1-2 scoops of collagen peptides (depending on hunger)
- Pour 1 scoop of Super Greens
- Stir well and CHUG!
- Finish by eating 1-2 tsp of coconut oil
Update May 2017: Now that I'm doing more of a ketogenic lifestyle. I put heavy whipping cream (organic always and raw when possible) instead of Coconut Milk.
Being "Good" (my story part 2)
When I started college, I had the not so vague idea that grains didn't serve my body well. I still loved (and ate) pizza but tried not to consume them quite as much. I went off of the depression and anxiety meds I was on from high school. I was still on the pill and my skin was normal (occasional breakouts but mostly under control.)
New Symptoms
Now that my skin seemed to be doing better and I wasn't panicking all the time, i became more aware of my physical symptoms from food. I had the most FOUL smelling gas. Totally awful, anxiety inducing and difficult to manage.
I also noticed i would get SEVERELY bloated. Within 20 minutes to an hour i could look 3 months pregnant. Of course, bagels and pizza would set it off but sometimes i'd be bloated from other foods too. The nickname we had for it was "buddha belly". I wish I had the opportunity to learn about digestion in school, we barely talked about it in biology.
It in college that i also discovered "alcohol flush reaction". One night we were at my boyfriend's apartment, playing some drinking game. I went to the restroom and noticed my face had totally "rashed out" under the skin, it was all flush on one side of my face and down onto my décolletage. Any previously healed blemish looked bright red (though not raised). I was like WHAT IS HAPPENING?! it looked like an allergic reaction. It faded after about 10-20 minutes. From then on I had my eye out for what would set that off.
The summer between my Freshman and Sophomore year of college i did my second elimination diet. I was a lot more committed this time around, i lost weight from not eating all the crap and enjoyed not being super bloated most of the time. I had more energy, the circles under my eyes reduced, i was less "Swollen and inflamed" looking. When i got back to school, i tried really hard to stick to it. I was off grains and dairy (except for caesar salad dressing, no one's perfect). I was eating a lot of salads in my dorm and trying to just avoid the pasta bar in the dining hall.
It didn't last.
I spent all of college bouncing back and forth between being "good" for a while and i avoid foods that I know (or think) aren't making me feel healthy and being "bad" and eating whatever i want. It's a challenge to eat what's healthy for you when you're not sure what it is (exactly) and when everyone around you eats "normal food"! I was trying to be better about listening to my body and paying attention to symptoms, hoping to figure out a cause. I wasn't consistent enough with my diet (or my paying attention) to make significant progress.
Freshman Year
Sopohmore Year
Mental Stuff
I was still having anxiety, I had xanax as needed. I was scared of new situations (still) but pursued them anyway. I knew that anything i was fearful of, I had the most to gain from. My guts were in knots (basically) constantly. If i didn't have anything to worry about, my brain would come up with something. I hadn't made the connection between food and gut and brain at this time and was not helping myself at all by avoiding the offenders i was aware of.
I also was a CRAZY PERSON in my college relationship. Hindsight is 20/20, let me tell you. I would fly off the handle over stuff that was really not a big deal. I would also fly off the handle (but not break it off) over stuff that was important to me. We did not communicate effectively. Looking back, it's clear to see that it wasn't a good place for either of us. I didn't really trust him but I was so set on "making it work" that I stayed way longer that I should have (fear of failure? not wanting to let go of my first "big" relationship? any and all of the above?). (Spoiler Alert: Mood swings were a symptom.)
Put aside how anxious i just was on a base level as a person, when we would argue i would turn into a monster. Just like yelling and crying and shouting and even wanting to break stuff. I can remember what it felt to be like in that situation. It was terrifying, knowing that it was outrageous behavior and not being able to control myself. It felt insane, like a temper tantrum with adult awareness. Have you ever seen a 2 year old just work themselves up over something simple and not be able to chill out? It's like that but also with defensiveness and shame and embarrassment. I think the word rage is appropriate here. Our poor communication aside, I was also having TERRIBLE nightmares. In Hindsight, it's so clear to me my body was like STOP IT, whether that had to do with the food, the relationship, the stress (probably a combination of everything) my system was operating in overload and everything I was doing was exacerbating it. I take full responsibility for my behavior. I just wish I knew then what I know now about how my lifestyle was affecting me physically and mentally.
We broke up after my Jr year. The nightmares stopped (almost immediately) and I spent the final year of college trying (or not trying as the case may be) to take care of myself. I had big plans, I was moving to LA.
Vulnerability, Sensitivity and Creativity
I'm currently in this place where I've completely overhauled my life, left my day job in TV production (which I loved for a long time) and am now in a band. It was the most change I've ever caused for myself in my life, ever. It was what I needed. However, via food elimination, metal toxicity and meditation, i'm TOTALLY EXPOSED. Just so sensitive (and exhausted) and raw and open.
SURPRISE! I'm still the same person, even though I've changed environments. I've spent the past 2.5 years trying to just descend into the vulnerability, feel the feelings, sit with the discomfort etc. Along with the health journey I've been on (and how food has definitely played a part in my neuroses), I also have to do the work. not run, not self medicate, just feel it, talk about it, sing it out, whatever. Just be in it.
Right now, I have this instinct and desire to put it down in songs. Writing songs isn't a thing that "i've done" and since i've never done it, i'm not GREAT at it and now i'm just afraid to do it. (or, at least do it and tell anyone). It happens that I have penned a couple for the band but they sort of flew out of me. So, I don't take responsibility for them (see Elizabeth Gilbert's TED talk below). Now i'm actually trying. And if you try, it means you can fail. i don't do failure (well.) Not to mention i work with a bunch of crazy-talented musicians (see how I don't include myself in that category?) so it's scary to bring ideas to them. I'm an expert at judging myself before others even have the chance to do so.
I recently read Amanda Palmer's The Art of Asking. It was amazing for me. For my new year's discovery, I realized i'm just a better version of myself if i'm reading a book. So, I went out to the library and re-upped my card. It was like a sense memory time capsule. I'm from NH, but in LA the library smells exactly the same as all the other libraries ever. It was comforting, I used to hang in them while I was watching my lil' baby bro, also when i babysat for 11 years and when i did work/study in college to earn my keep. I love libraries.
I checked out The Art of Asking, and devoured it last tour. It's so dead on about our self judgments, judgements of each other, fear, vulnerability, honesty and accepting praise etc. I can't do it justice. The rest of my list currently are other works by Brené Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert, in the same theme: Daring Greatly and Big Magic. Each of them tackle the obstacles surrounding creativity, from different perspectives. I think it's what I need to continue learning and growing, just steep in this. Read about it, talk about it, meditate on it, write about it, whatever I'm lead to.
It's been a topic of discussion at ladies night, (and at happy hour, over dinner, at home with my husband...) this vulnerability. This inability to quiet the mind, despite the meditation, despite the honesty, despite support from our communities: the self judgement and quiet hum of discontent with ones self, it's maddening. We're all on our own journeys, we've been coming together for 11 years. The topics have certainly changed, but we're all still there together. She called us "live wires". I loved that. Just raw, feeling everything, it's beautiful but can be very hard to sit with. I keep thinking that it's just a fire i have to walk through, but i have a sneaking suspicion it might not go away. Maybe it'll be less severe, when metal is out of my body and my leaky guts are healed, but i suspect i'll still be sensitive. I'm not sure I want it to, I think I'd just like to have a better relationship with it so it doesn't feel so foreign and volatile at times.
Check out Magic Lessons: Elizabeth Gilbert's Podcast, following her book, here.
Daring Greatly - Brené Brown Also, here's her TED talks on Shame and Vulnerability. (nails it)
The Art of Asking - Amanda Palmer And here's her TED talk on the same topic.
Big Magic - Elizabeth Gilbert And her TED talk on MUSES! (instrumental in me allowing myself to write music.)
How did this start? (my story part 1)
Looking outside Western Medicine
As a teenager, my step-mom took me to see my first naturopath doctor. Dr Hecht. I was struggling with terrible teenage acne and had tried the traditional route for a couple years. He looked at me and said "you are clearly allergic to milk". It had never crossed my mind that food and skin health were related.
Prior to seeing Dr. Hecht, I had tried from either a dermatologist or general practitioner: tetracycline (antibiotic), minocycline (antibiotic), retin-a (synthetic vitamin a), accutane (another, very strong vitamin a derivative), benzamycin (topical antibiotic), differin (topical vitamin a derivative), birth control pills (yazmin, orthotricycline, loestrin, microgestin), and more.
Clearly, this wasn't a dermatological issue, it was a symptom that happened to be coming out my face. NONE of the above medications worked, and some wreaked havoc on my guts.
Contrary to what Dr. Hecht said in our visit, I actually don't think I am allergic to milk. However, around that time in my life, my relationship with food changed. I went from eating whatever I felt like to an "I can't eat that" eater. (Now, I'm more of an "I choose not to eat that" eater.) While it's become an easier part of my life to navigate and one I've ultimately became grateful for, in the beginning it was a challenge.
My step-mother suggested "try cutting out chocolate, don't drink dairy" and other foods that can exacerbate skin issues. After seeing Dr. Hecht, (and being on every acne medication ever) I reluctantly did my first "elimination diet". I felt terrible about myself with my skin as it was, I wanted more than anything for a clear complexion. I would try anything.
Elimination Diets
I cut out everything, Grains, Beans, Dairy, CITRUS, SUGAR. Basically, i was like "WHAT CAN I EAT?!" My favorites at that time were: pizza, french fries, sugared cereal and candy.
That summer, I don't even remember what I did eat because I'm sure all i focused on was what i couldn't eat. I also don't remember if it even helped my skin. I was probably a brat about it. (A normal reaction to anyone's first elimination diet) I went back to boarding school that fall and caved with 2-3 weeks left of the diet. You're supposed to add each item back in, ALONE, and over a couple of days to a week to see how you react.
My downfall: girl scout cookie season. I ate some tagalongs, thereby ingesting dairy, sugar and grains all at once. (the most common offenders, if you are having a reaction from food). I probably had a stomach ache to say the least, I can't remember, i just remember eating the cookies and then going back to life at school as usual.
More than Physical Symptoms
Around my Junior year at boarding school, I started having terrible panic attacks, followed by depression (I also still had acne). It was pretty intense and came on suddenly. I basically was afraid to do ANYTHING outside my routine for fear that something might set off a wave of panic followed by inconsolable daydreams of irrational situations. I worried at all times. They started having me see a therapist at school. In addition to that I was on at one time or another: klonopin, zoloft, prozac, wellbutrin and lithium. Lithium and Wellbutrin after trial and error, seemed to be the one to get me through my last year and a half of school.
I was still eating whatever I wanted, despite my body and mind freaking out and my skin not improving, i still wanted a pill solution.
Foods I ate frequently: white rice with salt and butter, omelets (on certain mornings) with white toast, turkey sandwiches on ski days (2-4 of them depending on hunger), pizza, chicken fingers, chicken mcnuggets, french fries, sugared cereal, boxes of swedish fish candy, soda, swiss miss cake rolls, you get the picture. I did eat fruit too but in no way was I eating a balanced diet. I was following the glorious food pyramid we were taught in the 80s, 6-11 servings of grains a day! (nailing it.) I think i ate some broccoli, i tried to like salad.
I mention this list specifically because this type of food is referred to as the Western Diet. It's high in carbohydrates, processed and refined foods, low in vegetables, healthy fats and nutrient dense foods. It has been linked to: anxiety, depression, acne, obesity, hypertension, diabetes, heart disease, limiting the variation of microbes in the gut, cancers, general inflammation and general chronic health problems, to say the least.
By the end of high school, i still had acne but the birth control had helped a bit. I ate terribly but was learning that more vegetables were probably a good idea. I graduated, still on lithium and Wellbutrin. I'd gotten into a good college and was going to study theatre. I had xanax as needed for when i had panic attacks. Things were looking up. I knew that food was connected in some way to my emotional and physical symptoms but it wasn't "bad enough" for me to actually make a lifestyle change.
Middle School, pre drugs, (and puberty) clear skin.
High School, normal teenage acne situation, on medication
Seriously, a blog?
So, I am a talker. If you know me, you know this. I love talking, about food, about feelings, about my new favorite bank account (it's called simple i really do love it), about anything I've ever learned.
In my 20's I was an asshole about it. I would be like "oh I learned this thing, and now i'm a FUCKING expert on it" maybe in not so many words but i'm sure it came across that way. I don't want to be an asshole (i didn't then. It was an accident, I swear and i'm sorry).
Ask my dog! I read ONE book by Cesar Milan and i was running around dog parks being like "oh, you have to let your dog be a DOG, treat him like a DOG not a human". (I mean... read his book it is very informative, but I'm not a dog trainer so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Also, one time my dog bit me because I TOTALLY DID NOT TREAT HIM LIKE A DOG, I picked him up when he was in a fight and now I have a permanent left index "witch finger".)
Anyway, this is a blog. Weird. (Don't get me wrong, I love measuring my worth against other peoples picture perfect lives, I READ blogs, i just never thought I'd Blog.) So, the point of this is to tell you about health stuff. I've had a lot of weird stuff with food and health that has, at one point or another, resonated with someone else's life story/symptoms/what have you. And, since i love sharing information (see above, though now i'm 34 so hopefully less preachy) here's a place for me to do it.
If sharing my experiences can help someone else feel better then I suppose that's what it's all about.
p.s. i'm not a doctor or a scientist, this is just what I've tried and how it turned out.
p.p.s. always do your own research and be your own advocate, it's probably how I am where I am now.