I stopped coloring my hair a year ago. It started out as something of a budget issue and then turned into something else. During last year while i was eating and drinking my way through touring, looking inwards to see why I was so lonely and lost while doing something i was so grateful for, I began to realize I wanted to get to know who I am. I have always been working, striving, performing, plugging away, hustling. I am so busy reaching for the next thing, it is hard for me to slow down. When i slow down, I well up. As in, when i walk instead of drive, i literally tear up and have to deal with emotions that I’ve been ‘busy-ing away’ with tasks and moving forwards.
I am 38. I did not feel cute, or wanted, or enough when I was younger. I was the funny friend, who fit in and was friends with plenty of people, but every move was to prove I belonged, proved I deserved to be alive. I became good at everything. This sounds like a humble brag but that’s not what I mean. I became competitive because being good at whatever I was doing, school, sports, performance, was my way of proving that someone should love me. (Don’t get me wrong, i am super aware of my privileged upbringing. I am white, went to boarding school, college and moved to LA at 23 to pursue whatever I wanted. I wasn’t floated by my parents, but I had plenty of ease. All I’m saying is that, I’m a human, with human experience, this is not the tragedy olympics, its just how i have felt.)
Despite therapy, parents who loved me and a community to belong to, I downloaded the message that I wasn’t enough. So, as I grew I learned to “do my hair”, put on makeup, look like a polished version of myself. Now, by paying attention to things that set me off, my internal triggers, I am trying to dismantle my not enough ness. (I hear that by 60 we give no more fucks, so i’m just working towards that!)
I stopped dying my hair. I’ve been highlighting my dirty/dark blonde hair since college. I haven’t had a full head of my natural hair color since probably Jr. High. I realized last year, that as I waited longer and longer to go in for an appointment, that I didn’t even know what I looked like with that. I clearly have hangups about it. I would get super activated if someone told me my hair was actually brown. Like why?! who cares. Well bc i’ve clearly internalized that message that I’m worth more if my hair is lighter and I’m thin and I look like a version of a person that I’ve seen on TV or in a magazine etc. I don’t spout this message, I don’t want to believe it. But the fact that I’m OK with other people looking the way they do and thinking that all sizes and colors and shapes are beautiful and unique, as long as it’s not me. Is proof that I do not actually believe that. I have held an implicit bias that lighter and smaller is worth more. It’s gross, I know and it has to be addressed for me to grow. So, step one, stop dying my hair and learn to love what I look like with the hair that grows out of my actual head. This has been easier to do in person. In the mirror, I love what my hair looks like, I even love my aging facial features and how strong my body feels and looks in the mirror. I’ve gained about 30 pounds since last year (I’m estimating because I do not weigh myself) and in person, I’m fine with it. Online however, is a different story. I cringe at what i look like right now if a fan takes a picture of me and posts it on instagram. My face is round, my arms lack definition, my legs are large-to-me on my body. This is Fatphobia. It is my bias, rearing its ugly head to tell me that weight gain is bad. No matter that I can look to others and see them as beautiful without any weight qualifiers. If it’s not “ok” for me, then I’m not being true to what I say outwardly.
So, while I am trying to stay true to what does feel good for me, eating intuitively, not drinking my feelings, choosing salad because i feel better when i do. I am not dieting for weight loss. I am allowing my body to settle at a weight based on where I am in life without trying to control my appearance, and it is fucking difficult. It doesn’t feel good to look at your implicit bias in the face and have to acknowledge you’re part of the problem in a bigger system that you fundamentally don’t think you believe in or uphold. But, how can I change my participation without addressing it? I can’t, so, here we are. Me whining about gaining a measly 30 lbs and having dark blonde hair while I tour with my band . Maybe it’s pathetic, but I’m trying to honor the fact that my feelings still matter even if I am aware of how safe I actually am in this world.
On to the next, in march of this year, I decided to stop heat styling my hair. I had curly hair as a little kid and I’ve hid my natural hair texture my entire life because I wanted to have beautiful straight movie star/influencer hair. I had worn my hair wavy plenty of times, just air dried it, but never really knew what it looked like if that was not just “when my hair wasn’t done” but what it actually looked like, healthy and encouraged. So, in my quest to find out what I look like, I started to encourage my natural hair texture and adopt habits that were about hair health, rather than looking like a certain version of myself. My point so far has become to find out what I look like, and then once I love that version of myself, I can decide what I want to look like, but only when I stop qualifying images that I see of myself.
